All I know is that I don't not know nothing.

Politics is funny to me. It doesn't take a lot of effort to realize that what you thought yesterday isn't necessarily what you think now even when yesterday you thought that you would always think that way, so tomorrow you probably won't think the way you do today. Yet, everyone is so sure they know what's right for themselves and everyone else. I think that the biggest proof that someone isn't sure of what they claim to believe is stubbornness. How better can one try to convince oneself of correct conclusions than to ignore all other perspectives and react hostilely to new ideas.

Even in situations where there is an Ultimate Truth (not politics), few people are honest enough with themselves and/or focused enough on legitimate self mastery to want to find out what it is. Most people don't want to discover truth; they want to discover that they knew the truth all along. just like nobody wants you to be completely honest with them; they only want you to be completely honest about the good things you say about them. It's worth secretly being wrong today to avoid openly admitting you were wrong yesterday, especially if your stubbornness allows that secret to keep even you in the dark.

We're so afraid of being (or having been) wrong that instead of pursuing what's right, we'd rather convince ourselves that we were never wrong in the first place. We're so busy trying to persuade ourselves that we're right, that it seems the only defense we have against opposing opinions is to rile ourselves up in the polarized, irrational, mob mentality: that anyone who thinks differently is stupid or evil. If all of that is based on your initial thought that you've been working so hard to convince yourself is right (that was probably imposed on you by circumstance), then people just like you in different situations are probably thinking you are just as evil and stupid as you think they are. Think of school and sports rivalries. What are those based on if not thoughtless, random affiliation. What about Road Rage? How can getting angry at someone you don't even know improve your situation with them. When people get angry at you and think you're stupid, does that make you want to think they're right and justified in any act of aggression toward you? The more you hate, the more you become like those you hate so much. The more you think about it, the more you know. Do you want to?

Have you ever had a conversation with a mirror?

They never let you get a word in.

TelescHope

Tonight is a full moon! I get really excited about these things lately. I probably went years without ever knowing the current phase of the moon, and now that the title of this silly blog is one of 'em, I could probably tell you at any given moment. cool little trick: if you go to the bottom of the right column and click on the words "Waxing Gibbous," you can see the current phase of the moon... even if it ain't a waxing gibbous. go figure.

This is how the obsession started:
Last year I bought one of those hip, new mp3 players called iPods. Part of the raging excitement about iPods is that you get to name them! (probably not true) I wanted my iPod to have an awesome name; it couldn't have my name in it (that rules out Alexplode), it had to be just one word ("this iPod is a bomb" is out, too), and not too extreme, either (Xtreme!). I settled on the name "Gibbous". It was one of those "say the fist thing that pops into your head" type decisions. So I decided to make the most of it to convince myself it was the best name I could have come up with: I named all my playlists with this lunar theme (Blue Moon, Crescent, Sea of Tranquility, etc.), and if you ask me, I'll probably try to prove that "Gibbous" is way better than your stupid iPod's name. Then when I started this blog, I thought it would be cool to use the same name and throw in a little twist by adding the word "Waxing" which just means that it is growing toward a full moon.

I think the moon is cool. I read a book that made me think about paying more attention to what's going on around me; half the time I can't tell you what day it is when asked. A lot of people have that ability, but it seems like it's usually wasted on knowing the stats of your favorite baseball team instead of the date your brother and sister-in-law's baby is due (sometime in the next couple of weeks, I'm pretty sure). It's kind of depressing when your schedule is measured by when your next assignment is due; babies are way more important. I think that comes from a mentality of life that is too defensive. I'm not making enough happen, so I only worry about fending off what's happening to me. When you're aware of what's going on around you, it's easier to be a part of what's going on. Isn't that what everyone wants anyway? Focusing too hard on the moment seems to take me out of it. If I can only fill my head with things beyond myself, maybe I'll be something worth focusing on.

There, but for the grace of God, go I

Selflessness starts as merely selfishness with intelligent foresight. The natural man is only capable of hedonistic (self serving) motivation, but I believe that it is one of the defining characteristics of human beings to have the ability to be altruistic. We cannot find this ability within ourselves alone, but must receive it from an altruistic Source as a Spiritual Gift the scriptures like to call Charity. Because God is willing to bless us every chance we give Him to, the only price we need to pay is obedience, even if (and at first, inevitably) one's motivation for obedience is personal gain. In order to be worthy of the Spiritual Gift of Charity which is the power behind altruistic motivation, we must act in a pseudo-selfless way towards others through service. This preliminary form of hedonistic selflessness (an oxymoron) is probably better labeled as Intelligent Selfishness. Unintelligently selfish and greedy actions can only bring expiring self gratification. It's a simple principle that most people agree with, so why do so many people choose to be self-serving instead of self-giving? The only reason you would ever do anything harmful to yourself is because of ignorance or misunderstanding. The Natural Man never does anything he doesn't believe to be in his best interest. Of course, a lot of people's perception of what is in their best interest seems a little absurd and sometimes even perverted. Even if you do things that are obviously harmful to yourself, from biting your nails to smoking to suicide, it is done with the belief that the alternative would somehow be more painful physically or mentally. Even habits and addictions were first a choice. A big reason people struggle with making right choices is a lack of faith. A large part of faith is a logical deduction of the given proof that Jesus Christ, as an omniscient being, knows exactly what is most beneficial for you, and lets you know through his commandments. Therefore, righteousness = intelligence, and sin = foolishness.

The scriptures say that the glory of God is intelligence, or Light and Truth. That's the way revelation works: Your mind is quickened (that's the word the scriptures use to mean "enlivened" or "enlighten") by the Spirit, being filled with intelligence to be able to make the perfect choice independent of, and also specific to circumstance. The Spirit makes you smarter! The Spirit cannot affect you in a way that is contrary to this pattern and method. Even the "stupor of thought" is not confusion, but clarity in some other thing: that thing which is right, which will take your attention away from the thing which is wrong. You cannot receive revelation that will make you more confused. The Spirit cannot make you sad or feel guilty. That's the pain that comes with sin. You make yourself feel that way when you realize you are not following the light and truth the Spirit shows you. Alma Explains this very well in his conversion story: The power of the Devil racked his soul with eternal torment and the pains of a damned soul (not the pains of a spiritually enlightened soul). As soon as he called upon Christ, he was filled with joy as exceeding as was his pain. That's the Spirit! Before he was able to be filled with the Spirit, he was filled with pain, but as soon as he made the choice that allowed the Spirit to fill him (the same way we become worthy for personal revelation), he was filled with joy. Therefore, the lack of the Spirit = sorrow and confusion, and the presence of the Spirit = joy and clarity.

It's easy to "put your life in God's hands" and just want him to make all your decisions for you. But that defeats the purpose of being alive. God's not going to make our choices for us. He's not going to take away our responsibility and make everything easy and painless. That was some other guy's plan. Life becomes easy when we keep his commandments not because He takes away the trial, but because he teaches us how to grow so it isn't a trial. Jesus' burden isn't light because his life was a free of responsibility and pain, but because he's strong enough to carry any burden. It does us no good to just carry our burden for us. By the power of His Spirit (Intelligence/Light and Truth), we can grow enough to carry it ourselves, and it becomes easy because we become stronger. As we use the intelligence we are blessed with to be intelligently selfish, The Lord blesses us with Charity. We are then capable of doing good and serving others without any thought of reward, not even blessings. Though the blessings will come, as truly selfless and altruistic beings, they are not the motivation for our charitable actions. This is what it means to truly be and Agent, and act instead of being acted upon.

Quotation justification

I think it's funny when people use quotations like they are automatically point-proving statements. As if just because someone said something sometime makes it true. I don't know about you, but I have said a lot of stupid things in my life that right now I sure am glad aren't true. I also know a lot of people that have said some ridiculous things. Someone once told me that you should never quote somebody if you can't remember exactly who it is you're quoting. Well, take that. Anyway, maybe that means that you should always know how to correctly cite what you quote, or (and this is the way I like to think of it) you can just speak for yourself, and anyone who helped you think the way you do because of the things they've said doesn't really need to be brought up; make it your own! Here's the deal: we don't have that many words, there have been a lot of people, and people say a lot of things. Therefore, whatever you say has probably already been said. You don't need to waste your time finding out all of the people who have already said what you're saying in attempts to prove that you don't think for yourself. Maybe it helps if you want to show that someone else shares your opinion, but I'd like to think that my ideas and opinions are strong enough on their own, without the quotation crutches.

Oftentimes, after saying something funny or interesting, I am asked: "what's that from?" Well, what if it's from me? Can you believe that I came up with that on my own, right here, on the spot?! But that's never assumed. I just never get the credit I think I deserve: congratulations for thinking, I guess. That's just the problem: why do we always have to give credit for things? We're all so good at evaluating and critiquing and comparing and score keeping and grading and judging that we think we have to do it in every conversation. Who cares?! Don't worry Alex, there are enough people throwing out judgments for you to feel like you have to make your own. But because I can, here's one:

I was told today (as I have heard countless times before) and I quote: "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." I don't agree. Of course, thinking of things that way helps people to be a more productive. So, as far as intention (which apparently isn't good enough), it's not bad, but as far as my understanding, real and pure intention is characterized by its realization. I'm pretty sure that the way a lot of people understand the quotation is mostly true, but what they deem a "good intention" is just a little too liberal for me. I mean, as far as eternal destination, "...The Lord looketh on the heart." (God said that one, by the way, and I'll prove it: 1st Samuel 16:7), so good intention is good enough. Who said that pretending to want to do something and then not doing it was a good intention? That's a bad intention in my book (Hale, Alex. Alex's Book of Intentions, Random House, 2023). I just pretended that the person was telling me that dishonest intentions don't prove anything, and I was able to agree. Because when it really comes down to it, I shouldn't be so critical of people who like to quote things.

Unquote.

Heartbeats (LLL addendum)

I get very discouraged when people don't respond the way I think they should to the situations I throw them into. I get so focused on the results that I want that I forget about their wants. That's silly of me. I was talking to a very good friend today about my frustrations, and he helped me realize that I can't be so focused on myself. It's interesting how that works: the more you focus on getting what you want in relationships, the less likely you are to get it. I think that's because relationships are life. Not because having a lot of friends is the measure of happiness, but because real happiness is based on your ability to love people. Love is concern for others. When you're focused on yourself, you're missing the point of being in relationships.

I've been in quite a few romantic relationships (or at least quasi-relationships) in the past couple of years and I've come to an interesting conclusion: The more I put my heart into it and risk vulnerability, focusing on the desires of the other person instead of my own, the more resolve I have to put everything into the next relationship when that one doesn't work out. You'd think that putting it all on the line would make you bitter and timid if it didn't work out, but from my experience, it's the opposite. I remember the times my motives were self-serving. I wasn't able to make myself vulnerable because I was focused on my own comfort. I still feel bitter and uneasy about some of those relationships. The few relationships I've been in where I can honestly say my motivations were completely pure are the ones in which I was able to love more, and also the ones that hurt the least when they were over. Even though the title of "girlfriend" was removed, they were more to me than the position, and I was able to continue caring about them as a friend. I never had to "get over" them because they were more to me than just the way they made me feel.

Every relationship effects the type of person you become. If your intentions are pure and you react positively, no matter how it ends up, it will have been a good experience that makes you better. Don't get over what defines you: the people you fill your life with. Life is not about using people to reach your desired ends, it's about loving people in the process of getting there. No time spent risking vulnerability, putting your heart on the line or showing genuine affection, no time loving is ever wasted time. I've regretted every time I've hated, but I've never regretted loving.

Quaestiones Disputatio

I got in an argument recently that was extremely frustrating. It wasn't even in person. not even on the phone. it was online, for goodness' sake! I think that's what bothered me to begin with. It's hard enough to communicate what you really feel when you're looking at the person and they can hear you and respond immediately. But that's still not the frustrating part. No matter how logical and honest my answers and explanations were, this person continued to accuse me of things that either weren't true, or obviously misunderstood. Even after clarification and interpretation of intentions, no progress was made, in fact, it was more regressive than anything (who's going backward?). I realized that resolution was not this person's motive; it was justification. There was no intention of understanding the other side, and I got caught up in it too! I felt silly for even getting involved in it and started to see my own selfish intentions to "win" the argument (for sake of score keeping and one-up-manship, I'm pretty sure I won, anyway), so i decided to just leave it be. It was easy to see that no good would come of continuing, even if I was right.

Isn't that usually the case with arguments? Can you ever think of a time when you won an argument and then felt like you achieved what you were arguing for? I can think of a lot of arguments I at least think I won, but I never felt good about it afterward because the "loser" never admits to losing. In arguments where even the smallest part of my motivation is to win the argument, I never feel satisfied unless the person with whom I argued also acknowledges my victory. In the spirit of competition there is always a loser. Even when merely self proclaimed, there is seldom a winner. In the rare occasion that one wins an argument to the acknowledgment of everyone involved, what moral justification is there in self gratification? How can you ever feel good for bringing someone else down? You can't be motivated to win an argument without also being motivated to make your opponent lose. It is impossible to morally build yourself up while breaking others down.

When Jesus Commands the Nephites not to have disputations among them about the doctrines he gave, I don't think he's telling them not to talk about or even question them. I think he's commanding them (and us) not to argue about it. As I pointed out, argument seems to be more of a form of competition than truth seeking. I think sometimes we get confused in our attempts to be honest, too. Honesty isn't just saying facts. Half the truth is often a great lie. Oftentimes, our arguments are exactly that: half the truth, because we don't know enough to give all of it. I think honesty is saying, to the best of our ability, what is ultimately beneficial for the people we're talking to. Nothing that isn't motivated by love falls under that category. Saying kind truths is probably the closest to truth we are able to speak. What if our conversations were only focussed on establishing truth and honestly saying kind things to each other? I think there would be a lot fewer negative things to not talk about.

"Always love! Hate will get you every time.
Always love! Even when you want to fight."
-Nada Surf: Always Love

Come on Alex! You can do it!

Sometimes I think about what I'm doing at any given time and wonder "if a snapshot was taken of me at this moment, would it be accurate in illustrating 'Alex'?". It's hard for me to decide whether I mean what I want people to think of me, or if it's accurate to who I really am. I think about it sometimes to the point of influencing the way I walk around, or how I'm talking to people, when I really should just be listening to what they're saying to me. I usually forget people's names as soon as they tell them to me because I'm too focused on how I'm going to introduce myself.
Today the snapshot thought came to me while I was in my psychological statistics class. I was sitting sideways in my desk with one of my legs rested on the empty chair next to me, my book open to the wrong chapter on the desk of the aforementioned empty chair, my Ipod on my lap with one of the headphones in my left ear (the ear closest to the back wall as to not be detected easily), and I was jotting down what the professor was writing on the blackboard, most likely just to convince myself that I had a reason to be in class. The thought kind of made me laugh, but I immediately put my pod away, sat up straight, and tried to concentrate harder on what was going on. I don't think I'd want many people to see that picture of me. A good picture says a thousand pictures. I want to be proud of my Alex movie. So I spent the rest of my time in class thinking about taking important things more seriously and forgot to learn what I was in there for.
Conclusion: I am very subconsciously self conscious. I'm pretty sure that's an oxymoron, but it's the only way I can describe how I feel, which is apparently very important to me. I just want everyone's attention to be on me as much as mine is. is that too much to ask?! I start my bowling class in 20 minutes. good luck to me not worrying too much about how I look when I'm bowling so I can actually learn something.