Worst Impressions

They say you don't get a second chance to make a first impression. You really only get one chance to make second impressions, too. As far as third impressions go, the jury's still out.
But this begs the question that first impressions are important. The first time I met one of my closest friends, he was a total jerk to me! (I'll let you speculate as to which of my friends it is... it's probably you... unless you're a girl. I gave that part away) Luckily, the majority of subsequent impressions have been quite pleasant.
I do remember it, though. If it's memory you're worried about, by all means, worry about first impressions. Psychologically, first, last, and deviant impressions will stick in your mind the longest, but it's the consistent impressions that matter.

In my experience, the first impressions are the worst impressions, especially when an impression is trying to be made. If the impression I was trying to make were an accurate representation of myself, then I guess I wouldn't have to try too hard. Right?! This calls into question the validity and efficacy of job interviews and blind dates (or the opposite extreme: a date based solely on sight). It baffles me that often the presumed remedy to not knowing anyone you'd like to take on dates is to ask someone out that you don't know. I'm truly baffled.
One of the worst ways to get to know someone: take them on a date. That is, of course, unless you plan on swapping shoes and going on a walk for at least a mile. Why??? For the dudes: girls show their true colors when they're wearing uncomfortable shoes. and for the girls: you can tell a lot about a guy by the socks he wears (if you've done this right, his feet won't fit in your shoes) What does this say about the women's no-shows I often wear?: I'm in touch with my feminine side. What side is that? No more questions! This is getting too personal. But I'm definitely not an ambidexter.

Brief and initial impressions like dates and interviews usually give us time to hide the negative parts about ourselves. The more time we spend with people, the higher the likelihood of seeing them off their guard, so to speak. The less on guard, the truer the impression. This is what C. S. Lewis says about that:

"...surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is. Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth. If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man: it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light."

So, we've all got rats. Hiding them may make a better impression, but it'll also keep 'em around. Rat's love dark, dank, and dishonest corners.

Real impressions take time. I put a lot of time into the bum impression on the driver's seat in my car. I'm proud of the body shaped impression on my bed; I've devoted nearly a third of my life to that nook. And, I'm pretty sure I'm responsible for at least one of the impressions on the stairs in the BYU library.

So don't worry so much about immediate and superficial impressions! Quit rehearsing answers; Don't wear so much makeup; Stop working out so much. If the consistent impression you leave while your guard is down isn't that impressive, looks like you've got other things to worry about. Becoming impressive requires practice, not pretense.

"When our concern is not for ourselves, we have no need for managing others' impressions of us"
-James L. Ferrell

I choo choo choose you.

Sometimes, I guess you have to care about someone enough to let them take themselves out of your life. You can't force somebody to care about you, because that's their responsibility. True love is the love that Jesus Christ has for us. It is a Spiritual Gift that cannot be attained by the natural man, but only through the power of the atonement, as a gift from our Savior. We are incapable of truly loving others without first loving Him. Through loving God, we are filled with the Spirit, and become capable of loving other people. That's why He commands us to love Him--because otherwise, we wouldn't be able to truly love each other. Thus, any righteous, loving relationship is merely an extension of the relationship we have with Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ loves us because he chooses to, not because we earn it. Our love can only be real and true if it is a choice as well, otherwise, it is just lust and infatuation; fickle, flighty, chemical, ephemeral. The difference between love and lust is agency. You don't have to choose to lust; that's natural. Love is harder than that, and because Christ has chosen to love everyone, there isn't anyone that doesn't deserve our love. If love is a choice that you are in control of, and everyone deserves your love, then I guess the selection of who you choose to be in relationships with (all levels of true friendship and relationship) depends on the trust you have that that person will be able to choose to love you. Maybe it takes some hard, rough, uncomfortable introspection to decide to be worthy of that trust. But if not, any love that was learned and chosen, even if not reciprocated, was worth your time. There is no better indication of the quality of our character than how much we choose to love those we can trust.


Without the ability to choose, water takes the path of least resistance, sometimes only to the ends of being dammed up in stagnant pools before ever reaching its goal. Our gift of agency allows us to choose things that are hard-- paths full of resistance-- so we can overcome our natural instincts and inclinations to take the easiest way. What it means to be an agent is to have the faith to choose what you know is right even and especially when you don't want to. It is good to make hard choices and risk our own comfort in order to reach our destinations. People are more than the way they make us feel. One of the hardest choices for me is to forget the way that people make me feel, and worry about the way I make them feel. That sounds a lot like love.
Oh, let the rain fall down and wash this world away. Oh, let the sky be gray. 'Cause, if it's ever gonna get any better, it's gotta get worse for a day.

Jump-start

I'm going to be busier this semester than last; I have a job now, I'm taking more credits, and the classes have larger workloads. Sitting in my Social Psychology class, I started to worry about it. When am I going to have time to rest and recharge? When am I going to have time to do what I want to do? When am I going to have time to not worry about the time I'm not going to have? That time seems so important. But when I'm busy doing nothing, I feel more susceptible to inertia than rejuvenation.

I think the process of waking up in the morning is more awakening than the extra hours you spent sleeping in. I can't remember the last time I took a nap and felt more awake after the nap. Why do you get so tired when your driving? it's probably one of the least strenuous thing you can do. Your body doesn't want to fall asleep when you're driving because it needs it, but because it thinks your trying to fall asleep because it hasn't really moved for so long. I think we like to compare ourselves to rechargeable batteries. When our cell phones, our laptops, or our iPods run out of juice, all you have to do is plug 'em in and wait for it to be full of energy again. By association and familiarity, I guess it's just natural to assume that your body works the same way. But the next time you feel tired in the middle of the day, try doing some push-ups, or go for a run instead of taking a nap. It's a lot quicker, a lot better for you, and a lot more effective. Wouldn't it be cool if all you had to do to recharge your cell phone was call someone?

The busier I am, the more productive my leisure time gets. The days I have things to do, I accomplish more than I plan, and the days I have no plans seem to be the least productive and the most exhausting. We aren't rechargeable batteries! We're car batteries, and we only charge when we're running!

TelescHope

Tonight is a full moon! I get really excited about these things lately. I probably went years without ever knowing the current phase of the moon, and now that the title of this silly blog is one of 'em, I could probably tell you at any given moment. cool little trick: if you go to the bottom of the right column and click on the words "Waxing Gibbous," you can see the current phase of the moon... even if it ain't a waxing gibbous. go figure.

This is how the obsession started:
Last year I bought one of those hip, new mp3 players called iPods. Part of the raging excitement about iPods is that you get to name them! (probably not true) I wanted my iPod to have an awesome name; it couldn't have my name in it (that rules out Alexplode), it had to be just one word ("this iPod is a bomb" is out, too), and not too extreme, either (Xtreme!). I settled on the name "Gibbous". It was one of those "say the fist thing that pops into your head" type decisions. So I decided to make the most of it to convince myself it was the best name I could have come up with: I named all my playlists with this lunar theme (Blue Moon, Crescent, Sea of Tranquility, etc.), and if you ask me, I'll probably try to prove that "Gibbous" is way better than your stupid iPod's name. Then when I started this blog, I thought it would be cool to use the same name and throw in a little twist by adding the word "Waxing" which just means that it is growing toward a full moon.

I think the moon is cool. I read a book that made me think about paying more attention to what's going on around me; half the time I can't tell you what day it is when asked. A lot of people have that ability, but it seems like it's usually wasted on knowing the stats of your favorite baseball team instead of the date your brother and sister-in-law's baby is due (sometime in the next couple of weeks, I'm pretty sure). It's kind of depressing when your schedule is measured by when your next assignment is due; babies are way more important. I think that comes from a mentality of life that is too defensive. I'm not making enough happen, so I only worry about fending off what's happening to me. When you're aware of what's going on around you, it's easier to be a part of what's going on. Isn't that what everyone wants anyway? Focusing too hard on the moment seems to take me out of it. If I can only fill my head with things beyond myself, maybe I'll be something worth focusing on.

There, but for the grace of God, go I

Selflessness starts as merely selfishness with intelligent foresight. The natural man is only capable of hedonistic (self serving) motivation, but I believe that it is one of the defining characteristics of human beings to have the ability to be altruistic. We cannot find this ability within ourselves alone, but must receive it from an altruistic Source as a Spiritual Gift the scriptures like to call Charity. Because God is willing to bless us every chance we give Him to, the only price we need to pay is obedience, even if (and at first, inevitably) one's motivation for obedience is personal gain. In order to be worthy of the Spiritual Gift of Charity which is the power behind altruistic motivation, we must act in a pseudo-selfless way towards others through service. This preliminary form of hedonistic selflessness (an oxymoron) is probably better labeled as Intelligent Selfishness. Unintelligently selfish and greedy actions can only bring expiring self gratification. It's a simple principle that most people agree with, so why do so many people choose to be self-serving instead of self-giving? The only reason you would ever do anything harmful to yourself is because of ignorance or misunderstanding. The Natural Man never does anything he doesn't believe to be in his best interest. Of course, a lot of people's perception of what is in their best interest seems a little absurd and sometimes even perverted. Even if you do things that are obviously harmful to yourself, from biting your nails to smoking to suicide, it is done with the belief that the alternative would somehow be more painful physically or mentally. Even habits and addictions were first a choice. A big reason people struggle with making right choices is a lack of faith. A large part of faith is a logical deduction of the given proof that Jesus Christ, as an omniscient being, knows exactly what is most beneficial for you, and lets you know through his commandments. Therefore, righteousness = intelligence, and sin = foolishness.

The scriptures say that the glory of God is intelligence, or Light and Truth. That's the way revelation works: Your mind is quickened (that's the word the scriptures use to mean "enlivened" or "enlighten") by the Spirit, being filled with intelligence to be able to make the perfect choice independent of, and also specific to circumstance. The Spirit makes you smarter! The Spirit cannot affect you in a way that is contrary to this pattern and method. Even the "stupor of thought" is not confusion, but clarity in some other thing: that thing which is right, which will take your attention away from the thing which is wrong. You cannot receive revelation that will make you more confused. The Spirit cannot make you sad or feel guilty. That's the pain that comes with sin. You make yourself feel that way when you realize you are not following the light and truth the Spirit shows you. Alma Explains this very well in his conversion story: The power of the Devil racked his soul with eternal torment and the pains of a damned soul (not the pains of a spiritually enlightened soul). As soon as he called upon Christ, he was filled with joy as exceeding as was his pain. That's the Spirit! Before he was able to be filled with the Spirit, he was filled with pain, but as soon as he made the choice that allowed the Spirit to fill him (the same way we become worthy for personal revelation), he was filled with joy. Therefore, the lack of the Spirit = sorrow and confusion, and the presence of the Spirit = joy and clarity.

It's easy to "put your life in God's hands" and just want him to make all your decisions for you. But that defeats the purpose of being alive. God's not going to make our choices for us. He's not going to take away our responsibility and make everything easy and painless. That was some other guy's plan. Life becomes easy when we keep his commandments not because He takes away the trial, but because he teaches us how to grow so it isn't a trial. Jesus' burden isn't light because his life was a free of responsibility and pain, but because he's strong enough to carry any burden. It does us no good to just carry our burden for us. By the power of His Spirit (Intelligence/Light and Truth), we can grow enough to carry it ourselves, and it becomes easy because we become stronger. As we use the intelligence we are blessed with to be intelligently selfish, The Lord blesses us with Charity. We are then capable of doing good and serving others without any thought of reward, not even blessings. Though the blessings will come, as truly selfless and altruistic beings, they are not the motivation for our charitable actions. This is what it means to truly be and Agent, and act instead of being acted upon.

Drawing toward victory! (DTH follow-up)

*Note: in order to understand this post, please read "Drawing toward humiliation" first.
I got my Philosophy exam back, and to my great surprise and wonderment I got a 23/25! Not only that, but the professor mentioned that the average on the exam was a 19 and that the highest score was a 23! I'm pretty sure someone else shares that high score, but of all the other exams I saw, the highest was 21. Out of 6 points possible on the universe question (prompt #4) that I sketched, I got a 5 because I didn't a explain the effects of 2 of Aristotle's 4 causes even though they were accurately represented. The average score for #4 was 3.5/6.

So there you have it! As I sat there with my graded exam, the embarrassment of having done it incorrectly transformed to guilt. I had spent so much less time than everyone else on prompt #4 and received a better grade than the students seated near me who had written pages explaining the effects of aether on the superlunar universe. I didn't want anyone to see my grade. I hid it in my backpack and tried to participate in some of the conversations of disappointment with my classmates.

I wonder how I can apply that to my life. I obviously presented something that was exceptional, as far as proof of understanding, but I shied away from the norm in format. I wish I could say that I did it on purpose, but the lack of instruction forced me to be unique. I don't know if the professor gave further instruction that I missed, or if my assumption that I had missed it is the cause, but my conclusion is thus: It doesn't matter how other people do things; trust yourself and be confident in doing things the best way you can. Of course, it's not very wise to blind yourself in order to be forced into uniqueness. You stand much taller on other people's shoulders; to do anything well, you must be exposed to good examples (books, art, music, lives, etc.). You need to take chances and give them your best shot.

My brother wants to start a grilled pizza restaurant. At first I was skeptical, but I went to his grilled pizza party the other day, and it knocked my socks off! We all made our own with the provided ingredients. I made one with a cheese sauce, guacamole, steak, and mushrooms. It was so good that in the process of eating it, I chomped a chunk out of my cheek (it hurt like crazy, and my cheek is still a little swollen, but it made the steak taste a little more rare... which was nice). I guess the point is: he knows what he wants and he's good at it. Who am I to think that just because it's a little risky and different that it's not a good idea? You miss every shot you don't take. Maybe we just need to get used to the feeling of missing the shots we actually do take.

I think we'd see the beauty

I got a flat tire fixed yesterday. the guy who fixed it for me was so nice. I didn't even talk with him that much; the few things that were said were just quick questions and comments. It wasn't that he gave me compliments or even that he did it for free (well, that probably had a little to do with it), but the way he talked to me made getting a flat tire fixed a good experience. I've been in similar situations, where almost the exact same words were exchanged, but they were just experiences. I could just tell that this man was a happy person, and it made me happy.

Every day, I see people in expensive suits, with expensive wristwatches, selling expensive things, walking around like they're important (and maybe they are), and sometimes I can't help but feel sorry for some of them because they don't look very happy. They spend so much time trying to turn people into money that their world becomes very lonely; it's hard to have a conversation with a dollar bill. This man works at an auto shop, he was wearing a dirty, gray jumpsuit, and he had dirt and grease all over his face and hands, but I kind of envied him. Not that I don't consider myself a happy person, but I wonder if people can see it in me as much as I saw it in him. When you're happy, you treat people well, or maybe when you treat people well, you're happy. it's probably both. I think that's a good cycle to jump into.

It's easy to forget how even the little things we do affect other people. The way we look at someone can make their day a little happier or just that much worse. I think that's reason enough to smile more. We can feel when someone cares about us, even when we've never met them. I think that's reason enough to care more.

Bright Eyes-Bowl of Oranges

Lost the day waiting...

I've already written most of the things that have been on my mind lately, so posts may be a lot less frequent than they have been. This one will be focused on tying some of the others together.

I spend a lot of time wishing something grand would cross my path. If something good happens to me, that might just be enough to make me happy. All my efforts are wasted waiting. Lately I've been thinking a lot about why I'm uncomfortable with the person I've become so far. I know that's normal and even healthy if you deal with it in an optimistic way; there's a lot of room for progress toward infinite perfection. However, my discontent doesn't come from the regret of not having gone places or even the lack of entertaining opportunities, it comes from realizing I could have done more; I could have created more; I could have become more.

Of course, worrying about the "could have's" doesn't solve anything. I need to focus on the can's. My mom commented on my "Rhymes with boomerang" post, encouraging me that it's never too late to learn how to play the guitar. I guess that's true about anything. I'm sure you could have been better at it, whatever that may be, had you started earlier, but life's long and good intentions are proven by realizing them.
It's even scientifically true that "you are what you eat." In possibly an even more scientific way, I also think that "you are what you create." That follows the same principle that what you think, you say, what you say, you do, and what you do, you are. If you don't create anything, you don't become anything. The glory if God is His creations, and the happiness of His kingdom is sharing in that glory. The closest way we can emulate God is through creation, in a very literal (and for that reason, sacred) way, through having children, but also in other, more figurative (which I also feel are sacred) ways such as music, art, poetry, writing, ideas, opinions, and even friendships.

The way you can be in control of your happiness is by being in control of what makes you happy (duh). I was talking with my friend yesterday about the difference between depending on other people to control your happiness, and letting other people be a source of your happiness. life is relationships. when you depend on other people to make you happy, it's completely one sided. They become means to an end; assets to your pleasure, placeholders and positions. You can't really love them even though you need them. but when you let other people be a source of your happiness, it's your responsibility. You can be happy through serving them. You really learn to love them because love is defined by how closely your emotions are influenced by those of the other person; when they are happy, you are happy. Lust is an experience, but Love is a creation. The way you feel about people is your responsibility. You can't find the one you love until you serve the ones you find. You can't just wait for love to cross your path; it's not just an experience. You have to create it.

Rhymes with "boomerang"

For the last couple of weeks, I've had a couple of things on my mind that I've decided I really need to do: write a song, and whittle a boomerang. I haven't made any progress on either of these goals. If I write a song, it's got to be way awesome. At least to me, anyway. I'm not trying to prove myself to anybody but myself, but I won't have my own approval unless other people approve. That's why it has to be awesome. I kind of feel like I don't have anything to start from; I've never written a song before, and the only words I have in my head so far, that I want to put in a song, are "caught her eyes" to either be rhymed with or used in place of "cauterize". That's all I got. weeks... I've been thinking about this for weeks, mind you. I listen to a lot of music; I'm listening to music right now, as a matter of fact. Music is a big part of my life, that's why I want to write a song so bad.

The problems are as follows: 1) Every time I try to think of a tune, the only tunes that come into my head are songs that have already been written, and are only in there 'cause I listen to them a lot. 2) Every time I try to think of the words, ...cauterize. 3) I don't own a guitar, nor do I know how to play one. Problem #3 seems to be an adventure within itself. I've postponed learning to play the guitar so long, while listening to a lot of very good guitar players, that to start now is very frustrating; I want to be good at it already. And guitars are expensive... and the strings make my fingers numb. I realize that you don't necessarily need a guitar to write a song, but I need to be able to perform prospective song and pianos are even more expensive than guitars. Plus, you can't carry pianos around that easily... unless it's like a keytar, and I decided long ago to steer clear of that scene. I also realize that "dude playing the guitar" is a little cliché, but the thing that makes that ridiculous is when dude plays somebody else's song, especially when that "somebody else" happens to be Chris Carrabba or Jack Johnson, and they grabbed their guitar to woo the lady types.

Possible remedies for previously stated problems (I'll start with #3 because that's the biggest one): 3) Suck it up. Two of my brothers taught themselves to play the guitar, and are actually pretty good. My older brother, Alan, even writes songs which I think are excellent. There might even be a couple of guitars just lying around at my parents' house that nobody is using. I'll just take one of those back with me when I visit for Thanks Giving. 1) I'll probably only start thinking of original tunes when I'm learning how to play. 2) ... pasteurize...?

I don't think I need to explain whittling a boomerang to you. Duh.

There's been a accident...

Thorns hurt! I made the mistake of walking to a hot tub in my bare feet last night and got about infinity thorns in them. By the time I realized that what I was walking on was a little more than just really sharp gravel, it was too late. It's the worst when you have to do something more painful to escape the pain in which you already find yourself. With more abstract situations in life to which that same principle applies, like a bad relationship that you need to end, I'm sure it requires more moral resolve to consciously step on those figurative thorns, but for me in this very literal and specific application of that principle, I had no choice. Pure agony. After it was all done, I thought to myself: "what if I didn't make it?" not like the same type of "didn't make it" as in someone who gets attacked by sharks and doesn't "make it"; "An elephant sat on Bob last week, and he didn't make it." But what if the pain was so bad that I couldn't put any more weight on my feet? What if the pain was so unbearable that I fell down?! It would have been curtains for sure! so million thorns in my whole body... I don't think i would have made it. I've been laughing to myself all day at the thought. I imagine myself being very dramatic as I fall down, roll around, and start convulsing as consciousness leaves me. It's funny to think of myself as very fragile. I can't figure it out. I wish bad relationships were that humorous in retrospect.