Life is long and the world is huge

I've been learning the guitar. it's a very slow process, but I can tell I'm getting somewhere... sort of. My wonderfully soft model hands, though awesome, can't seem to do what my brain wants them to. Not only that, but the tips of the fingers on my left hand have become numb and calloused. All I want is to be way good right now and still keep my precious hands supple.

The reason some people are so good at the guitar is because they spend hours every day for years learning and practicing. I guess if it was something you could learn perfectly in a week, we wouldn't know any good guitar players because everyone would play at the same skill level. I haven't been fascinated with anyone's walking ability lately. Even though it's a pretty complicated task when you think about the balance and weight distribution involved, everyone does it to just about the same skill level. For the record, I do consider myself an exceptional walker. Now I listen to music more intently, paying attention to the skill required to play it (let alone write it) and I enjoy it more. Every day since I've been practicing, I hear a new song that I decide I have to learn to play. There are so many good musicians! I feel so small and insignificant compared to them, and those are only the ones I know about. There is so much out there that is bigger than me. it's kind of an exciting feeling. It's not a small world, no matter what Disney says. There's so much out there! So much to learn! It's a little overwhelming, but I've got plenty of time to learn how to play better, and the skill I acquire will be equal to the sacrifice I put into it. To play as well as I want to be able to might just cost a little more than the texture of my fingertips.

TelescHope

Tonight is a full moon! I get really excited about these things lately. I probably went years without ever knowing the current phase of the moon, and now that the title of this silly blog is one of 'em, I could probably tell you at any given moment. cool little trick: if you go to the bottom of the right column and click on the words "Waxing Gibbous," you can see the current phase of the moon... even if it ain't a waxing gibbous. go figure.

This is how the obsession started:
Last year I bought one of those hip, new mp3 players called iPods. Part of the raging excitement about iPods is that you get to name them! (probably not true) I wanted my iPod to have an awesome name; it couldn't have my name in it (that rules out Alexplode), it had to be just one word ("this iPod is a bomb" is out, too), and not too extreme, either (Xtreme!). I settled on the name "Gibbous". It was one of those "say the fist thing that pops into your head" type decisions. So I decided to make the most of it to convince myself it was the best name I could have come up with: I named all my playlists with this lunar theme (Blue Moon, Crescent, Sea of Tranquility, etc.), and if you ask me, I'll probably try to prove that "Gibbous" is way better than your stupid iPod's name. Then when I started this blog, I thought it would be cool to use the same name and throw in a little twist by adding the word "Waxing" which just means that it is growing toward a full moon.

I think the moon is cool. I read a book that made me think about paying more attention to what's going on around me; half the time I can't tell you what day it is when asked. A lot of people have that ability, but it seems like it's usually wasted on knowing the stats of your favorite baseball team instead of the date your brother and sister-in-law's baby is due (sometime in the next couple of weeks, I'm pretty sure). It's kind of depressing when your schedule is measured by when your next assignment is due; babies are way more important. I think that comes from a mentality of life that is too defensive. I'm not making enough happen, so I only worry about fending off what's happening to me. When you're aware of what's going on around you, it's easier to be a part of what's going on. Isn't that what everyone wants anyway? Focusing too hard on the moment seems to take me out of it. If I can only fill my head with things beyond myself, maybe I'll be something worth focusing on.

There, but for the grace of God, go I

Selflessness starts as merely selfishness with intelligent foresight. The natural man is only capable of hedonistic (self serving) motivation, but I believe that it is one of the defining characteristics of human beings to have the ability to be altruistic. We cannot find this ability within ourselves alone, but must receive it from an altruistic Source as a Spiritual Gift the scriptures like to call Charity. Because God is willing to bless us every chance we give Him to, the only price we need to pay is obedience, even if (and at first, inevitably) one's motivation for obedience is personal gain. In order to be worthy of the Spiritual Gift of Charity which is the power behind altruistic motivation, we must act in a pseudo-selfless way towards others through service. This preliminary form of hedonistic selflessness (an oxymoron) is probably better labeled as Intelligent Selfishness. Unintelligently selfish and greedy actions can only bring expiring self gratification. It's a simple principle that most people agree with, so why do so many people choose to be self-serving instead of self-giving? The only reason you would ever do anything harmful to yourself is because of ignorance or misunderstanding. The Natural Man never does anything he doesn't believe to be in his best interest. Of course, a lot of people's perception of what is in their best interest seems a little absurd and sometimes even perverted. Even if you do things that are obviously harmful to yourself, from biting your nails to smoking to suicide, it is done with the belief that the alternative would somehow be more painful physically or mentally. Even habits and addictions were first a choice. A big reason people struggle with making right choices is a lack of faith. A large part of faith is a logical deduction of the given proof that Jesus Christ, as an omniscient being, knows exactly what is most beneficial for you, and lets you know through his commandments. Therefore, righteousness = intelligence, and sin = foolishness.

The scriptures say that the glory of God is intelligence, or Light and Truth. That's the way revelation works: Your mind is quickened (that's the word the scriptures use to mean "enlivened" or "enlighten") by the Spirit, being filled with intelligence to be able to make the perfect choice independent of, and also specific to circumstance. The Spirit makes you smarter! The Spirit cannot affect you in a way that is contrary to this pattern and method. Even the "stupor of thought" is not confusion, but clarity in some other thing: that thing which is right, which will take your attention away from the thing which is wrong. You cannot receive revelation that will make you more confused. The Spirit cannot make you sad or feel guilty. That's the pain that comes with sin. You make yourself feel that way when you realize you are not following the light and truth the Spirit shows you. Alma Explains this very well in his conversion story: The power of the Devil racked his soul with eternal torment and the pains of a damned soul (not the pains of a spiritually enlightened soul). As soon as he called upon Christ, he was filled with joy as exceeding as was his pain. That's the Spirit! Before he was able to be filled with the Spirit, he was filled with pain, but as soon as he made the choice that allowed the Spirit to fill him (the same way we become worthy for personal revelation), he was filled with joy. Therefore, the lack of the Spirit = sorrow and confusion, and the presence of the Spirit = joy and clarity.

It's easy to "put your life in God's hands" and just want him to make all your decisions for you. But that defeats the purpose of being alive. God's not going to make our choices for us. He's not going to take away our responsibility and make everything easy and painless. That was some other guy's plan. Life becomes easy when we keep his commandments not because He takes away the trial, but because he teaches us how to grow so it isn't a trial. Jesus' burden isn't light because his life was a free of responsibility and pain, but because he's strong enough to carry any burden. It does us no good to just carry our burden for us. By the power of His Spirit (Intelligence/Light and Truth), we can grow enough to carry it ourselves, and it becomes easy because we become stronger. As we use the intelligence we are blessed with to be intelligently selfish, The Lord blesses us with Charity. We are then capable of doing good and serving others without any thought of reward, not even blessings. Though the blessings will come, as truly selfless and altruistic beings, they are not the motivation for our charitable actions. This is what it means to truly be and Agent, and act instead of being acted upon.

It justicen't fair

I hurt a friend's feelings and I didn't even know how. I said something that was meant to be a compliment, but it didn't go the way I planned at all. At first I wanted to justify it, after all, I intended well, but no matter how much I tried to convince myself I wasn't at fault, it didn't change the way she felt. It stayed on my mind all day, and I felt terrible until I sincerely apologized to her face (action= proof of good intention). She surprised me when she said she didn't know why it made her uncomfortable and was quick to forgive. I hope I can be as honest with myself as she is. Just because she couldn't explain it didn't mean it didn't affect her.

Reality is more than logic. We can spend our time convincing ourselves that we're doing everything right because it makes sense and is just, but that doesn't guarantee innocence. It's easy to fall under the misconception that we can make ourselves perfect, and our logic and reason are going to do it for us. we like to think that we're working our way up the ladder toward godhood, and our sense of justice is the key. It's the key alright, but not to godhood. If we were left to ourselves, none of us would make it out of Hell, thanks to justice. It's a good thing life isn't fair. The fact of the matter is: however fair we may be, however just, we can't save ourselves even a little bit. We're all at the bottom rung, no matter how awesome we think we are. All we can do is jump on the elevator by showing Christ we accept him by faith, repentance, and living the way he commands us to; by loving. He doesn't just make up the difference, He takes us the whole way! That's what the Atonement is all about: The elevating power of love. When we love, we don't care how fair things are for us, we care how others feel. We can't hold people to our own standards, to our perfect ideals if it's impossible for us to be there yet. It's alright if people are unjustly affected by you. It's ok if you aren't perfectly just yourself. Even if you see your own faults, it's important to be confident and secure as long as it doesn't lull you into idle complacency. We're taught to anxiously do good not so we can be avenged or vindicated of injustice, but because loving people like Christ loves us (lots and lots of mercy) is that elevator door. Until we are motivated by love and not justice, we can't get on.

Drawing toward victory! (DTH follow-up)

*Note: in order to understand this post, please read "Drawing toward humiliation" first.
I got my Philosophy exam back, and to my great surprise and wonderment I got a 23/25! Not only that, but the professor mentioned that the average on the exam was a 19 and that the highest score was a 23! I'm pretty sure someone else shares that high score, but of all the other exams I saw, the highest was 21. Out of 6 points possible on the universe question (prompt #4) that I sketched, I got a 5 because I didn't a explain the effects of 2 of Aristotle's 4 causes even though they were accurately represented. The average score for #4 was 3.5/6.

So there you have it! As I sat there with my graded exam, the embarrassment of having done it incorrectly transformed to guilt. I had spent so much less time than everyone else on prompt #4 and received a better grade than the students seated near me who had written pages explaining the effects of aether on the superlunar universe. I didn't want anyone to see my grade. I hid it in my backpack and tried to participate in some of the conversations of disappointment with my classmates.

I wonder how I can apply that to my life. I obviously presented something that was exceptional, as far as proof of understanding, but I shied away from the norm in format. I wish I could say that I did it on purpose, but the lack of instruction forced me to be unique. I don't know if the professor gave further instruction that I missed, or if my assumption that I had missed it is the cause, but my conclusion is thus: It doesn't matter how other people do things; trust yourself and be confident in doing things the best way you can. Of course, it's not very wise to blind yourself in order to be forced into uniqueness. You stand much taller on other people's shoulders; to do anything well, you must be exposed to good examples (books, art, music, lives, etc.). You need to take chances and give them your best shot.

My brother wants to start a grilled pizza restaurant. At first I was skeptical, but I went to his grilled pizza party the other day, and it knocked my socks off! We all made our own with the provided ingredients. I made one with a cheese sauce, guacamole, steak, and mushrooms. It was so good that in the process of eating it, I chomped a chunk out of my cheek (it hurt like crazy, and my cheek is still a little swollen, but it made the steak taste a little more rare... which was nice). I guess the point is: he knows what he wants and he's good at it. Who am I to think that just because it's a little risky and different that it's not a good idea? You miss every shot you don't take. Maybe we just need to get used to the feeling of missing the shots we actually do take.

I think we'd see the beauty

I got a flat tire fixed yesterday. the guy who fixed it for me was so nice. I didn't even talk with him that much; the few things that were said were just quick questions and comments. It wasn't that he gave me compliments or even that he did it for free (well, that probably had a little to do with it), but the way he talked to me made getting a flat tire fixed a good experience. I've been in similar situations, where almost the exact same words were exchanged, but they were just experiences. I could just tell that this man was a happy person, and it made me happy.

Every day, I see people in expensive suits, with expensive wristwatches, selling expensive things, walking around like they're important (and maybe they are), and sometimes I can't help but feel sorry for some of them because they don't look very happy. They spend so much time trying to turn people into money that their world becomes very lonely; it's hard to have a conversation with a dollar bill. This man works at an auto shop, he was wearing a dirty, gray jumpsuit, and he had dirt and grease all over his face and hands, but I kind of envied him. Not that I don't consider myself a happy person, but I wonder if people can see it in me as much as I saw it in him. When you're happy, you treat people well, or maybe when you treat people well, you're happy. it's probably both. I think that's a good cycle to jump into.

It's easy to forget how even the little things we do affect other people. The way we look at someone can make their day a little happier or just that much worse. I think that's reason enough to smile more. We can feel when someone cares about us, even when we've never met them. I think that's reason enough to care more.

Bright Eyes-Bowl of Oranges

Lost the day waiting...

I've already written most of the things that have been on my mind lately, so posts may be a lot less frequent than they have been. This one will be focused on tying some of the others together.

I spend a lot of time wishing something grand would cross my path. If something good happens to me, that might just be enough to make me happy. All my efforts are wasted waiting. Lately I've been thinking a lot about why I'm uncomfortable with the person I've become so far. I know that's normal and even healthy if you deal with it in an optimistic way; there's a lot of room for progress toward infinite perfection. However, my discontent doesn't come from the regret of not having gone places or even the lack of entertaining opportunities, it comes from realizing I could have done more; I could have created more; I could have become more.

Of course, worrying about the "could have's" doesn't solve anything. I need to focus on the can's. My mom commented on my "Rhymes with boomerang" post, encouraging me that it's never too late to learn how to play the guitar. I guess that's true about anything. I'm sure you could have been better at it, whatever that may be, had you started earlier, but life's long and good intentions are proven by realizing them.
It's even scientifically true that "you are what you eat." In possibly an even more scientific way, I also think that "you are what you create." That follows the same principle that what you think, you say, what you say, you do, and what you do, you are. If you don't create anything, you don't become anything. The glory if God is His creations, and the happiness of His kingdom is sharing in that glory. The closest way we can emulate God is through creation, in a very literal (and for that reason, sacred) way, through having children, but also in other, more figurative (which I also feel are sacred) ways such as music, art, poetry, writing, ideas, opinions, and even friendships.

The way you can be in control of your happiness is by being in control of what makes you happy (duh). I was talking with my friend yesterday about the difference between depending on other people to control your happiness, and letting other people be a source of your happiness. life is relationships. when you depend on other people to make you happy, it's completely one sided. They become means to an end; assets to your pleasure, placeholders and positions. You can't really love them even though you need them. but when you let other people be a source of your happiness, it's your responsibility. You can be happy through serving them. You really learn to love them because love is defined by how closely your emotions are influenced by those of the other person; when they are happy, you are happy. Lust is an experience, but Love is a creation. The way you feel about people is your responsibility. You can't find the one you love until you serve the ones you find. You can't just wait for love to cross your path; it's not just an experience. You have to create it.

Quotation justification

I think it's funny when people use quotations like they are automatically point-proving statements. As if just because someone said something sometime makes it true. I don't know about you, but I have said a lot of stupid things in my life that right now I sure am glad aren't true. I also know a lot of people that have said some ridiculous things. Someone once told me that you should never quote somebody if you can't remember exactly who it is you're quoting. Well, take that. Anyway, maybe that means that you should always know how to correctly cite what you quote, or (and this is the way I like to think of it) you can just speak for yourself, and anyone who helped you think the way you do because of the things they've said doesn't really need to be brought up; make it your own! Here's the deal: we don't have that many words, there have been a lot of people, and people say a lot of things. Therefore, whatever you say has probably already been said. You don't need to waste your time finding out all of the people who have already said what you're saying in attempts to prove that you don't think for yourself. Maybe it helps if you want to show that someone else shares your opinion, but I'd like to think that my ideas and opinions are strong enough on their own, without the quotation crutches.

Oftentimes, after saying something funny or interesting, I am asked: "what's that from?" Well, what if it's from me? Can you believe that I came up with that on my own, right here, on the spot?! But that's never assumed. I just never get the credit I think I deserve: congratulations for thinking, I guess. That's just the problem: why do we always have to give credit for things? We're all so good at evaluating and critiquing and comparing and score keeping and grading and judging that we think we have to do it in every conversation. Who cares?! Don't worry Alex, there are enough people throwing out judgments for you to feel like you have to make your own. But because I can, here's one:

I was told today (as I have heard countless times before) and I quote: "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." I don't agree. Of course, thinking of things that way helps people to be a more productive. So, as far as intention (which apparently isn't good enough), it's not bad, but as far as my understanding, real and pure intention is characterized by its realization. I'm pretty sure that the way a lot of people understand the quotation is mostly true, but what they deem a "good intention" is just a little too liberal for me. I mean, as far as eternal destination, "...The Lord looketh on the heart." (God said that one, by the way, and I'll prove it: 1st Samuel 16:7), so good intention is good enough. Who said that pretending to want to do something and then not doing it was a good intention? That's a bad intention in my book (Hale, Alex. Alex's Book of Intentions, Random House, 2023). I just pretended that the person was telling me that dishonest intentions don't prove anything, and I was able to agree. Because when it really comes down to it, I shouldn't be so critical of people who like to quote things.

Unquote.

Rhymes with "boomerang"

For the last couple of weeks, I've had a couple of things on my mind that I've decided I really need to do: write a song, and whittle a boomerang. I haven't made any progress on either of these goals. If I write a song, it's got to be way awesome. At least to me, anyway. I'm not trying to prove myself to anybody but myself, but I won't have my own approval unless other people approve. That's why it has to be awesome. I kind of feel like I don't have anything to start from; I've never written a song before, and the only words I have in my head so far, that I want to put in a song, are "caught her eyes" to either be rhymed with or used in place of "cauterize". That's all I got. weeks... I've been thinking about this for weeks, mind you. I listen to a lot of music; I'm listening to music right now, as a matter of fact. Music is a big part of my life, that's why I want to write a song so bad.

The problems are as follows: 1) Every time I try to think of a tune, the only tunes that come into my head are songs that have already been written, and are only in there 'cause I listen to them a lot. 2) Every time I try to think of the words, ...cauterize. 3) I don't own a guitar, nor do I know how to play one. Problem #3 seems to be an adventure within itself. I've postponed learning to play the guitar so long, while listening to a lot of very good guitar players, that to start now is very frustrating; I want to be good at it already. And guitars are expensive... and the strings make my fingers numb. I realize that you don't necessarily need a guitar to write a song, but I need to be able to perform prospective song and pianos are even more expensive than guitars. Plus, you can't carry pianos around that easily... unless it's like a keytar, and I decided long ago to steer clear of that scene. I also realize that "dude playing the guitar" is a little cliché, but the thing that makes that ridiculous is when dude plays somebody else's song, especially when that "somebody else" happens to be Chris Carrabba or Jack Johnson, and they grabbed their guitar to woo the lady types.

Possible remedies for previously stated problems (I'll start with #3 because that's the biggest one): 3) Suck it up. Two of my brothers taught themselves to play the guitar, and are actually pretty good. My older brother, Alan, even writes songs which I think are excellent. There might even be a couple of guitars just lying around at my parents' house that nobody is using. I'll just take one of those back with me when I visit for Thanks Giving. 1) I'll probably only start thinking of original tunes when I'm learning how to play. 2) ... pasteurize...?

I don't think I need to explain whittling a boomerang to you. Duh.

Heartbeats (LLL addendum)

I get very discouraged when people don't respond the way I think they should to the situations I throw them into. I get so focused on the results that I want that I forget about their wants. That's silly of me. I was talking to a very good friend today about my frustrations, and he helped me realize that I can't be so focused on myself. It's interesting how that works: the more you focus on getting what you want in relationships, the less likely you are to get it. I think that's because relationships are life. Not because having a lot of friends is the measure of happiness, but because real happiness is based on your ability to love people. Love is concern for others. When you're focused on yourself, you're missing the point of being in relationships.

I've been in quite a few romantic relationships (or at least quasi-relationships) in the past couple of years and I've come to an interesting conclusion: The more I put my heart into it and risk vulnerability, focusing on the desires of the other person instead of my own, the more resolve I have to put everything into the next relationship when that one doesn't work out. You'd think that putting it all on the line would make you bitter and timid if it didn't work out, but from my experience, it's the opposite. I remember the times my motives were self-serving. I wasn't able to make myself vulnerable because I was focused on my own comfort. I still feel bitter and uneasy about some of those relationships. The few relationships I've been in where I can honestly say my motivations were completely pure are the ones in which I was able to love more, and also the ones that hurt the least when they were over. Even though the title of "girlfriend" was removed, they were more to me than the position, and I was able to continue caring about them as a friend. I never had to "get over" them because they were more to me than just the way they made me feel.

Every relationship effects the type of person you become. If your intentions are pure and you react positively, no matter how it ends up, it will have been a good experience that makes you better. Don't get over what defines you: the people you fill your life with. Life is not about using people to reach your desired ends, it's about loving people in the process of getting there. No time spent risking vulnerability, putting your heart on the line or showing genuine affection, no time loving is ever wasted time. I've regretted every time I've hated, but I've never regretted loving.